I’m very tired and trying to keep my hopes and attitude high. I am someone who has prided myself in having more faith, hope and love than most people do. I see myself as persevering and doing it with a smile. I’m afraid that I’m feeling the thinning of those virtues and even forgetting to pray as often as I would usually pray. So many families are facing what we are going through and they are doing it in silence because it’s not pretty conversation for dinner parties. I know that you know other people who are going through what I am. I know them, too, and I never really understood what weight they were carrying, until now.
My goals for Mom have changed dramatically over the past few months. First, my aim was on the horrific physical deficiencies that she was left with after the stroke. Her spirits and motivation were high and I felt so blessed that I was left with so much of the mother that I had always loved…Then it was a fear of her low blood pressure taking her from us, a piece at a time…with her thinking patterns failing during these periods and these times becoming closer together, especially in the light of her sleepless nights…THEN, when her thoughts became so obviously confused and frightening and she was lost in the storm, my only thought was for her safety…I was lost, myself, as I searched for the answers for her physical safety… Once I could be sure that she was safe, my attention returned to her quality of living and the chance of getting some positive form of my mother back….so she was moved again to encourage more positive function…………..
Well, I can tell you that I can barely imagine a more dramatic roller coaster ride. This past 5 months have been exhilarating and draining and discouraging and hopeful…and just about any other emotion that you can think of. She IS safe. But she doesn’t FEEL safe. She IS surrounded by loving people. But, she doesn’t FEEL like she is surrounded by loving people. Some of her thoughts are very conscious and well construed. But, SOME of her thoughts are so concerning that I know that until they cease, she can never consider herself a happy individual, again. Last night, she didn’t want to go into her lovely room and get into her warm and cozy bed because she knew that once she closed her eyes, the room would fill up with water. Tonight she didn’t want to go to the bathroom because something terrible would happen if she did and whatever she did in that bathroom would be included in the water that filled her room, later! She is constantly fearful for our safety, mine and my children. She can sit for only a few minutes at a time. She is restless and looking for negativity around every corner. When she was at my home, this week, she couldn’t go to the bathroom without me and then when I stepped out the door to give her some privacy, she screamed for me, thinking that I’d leave her. When I went to the bathroom, it was neccessary for her to stand outside of the room until I came out and she needed to hear my voice the entire time to be comforted.
She is pretty normal looking if you can keep her engaged in activity. However, you can’t keep that up for 24 hours every day. The research that I’ve read encourages diversion. But, it’s exhausting and discouraging. I think it would be better to have people coming in for 2 hour shifts so that no one had to keep their chin up for too many hours at a time. But, we really don’t have a way to make that work.
We saw her psychiatrist this afternoon, Dr. Trautner, who still gives us hope that the medication Serequel that she is taking will calm down the paranoia. I pray that she’s right. She has doubled her dosage, again, and we’ll just watch and see what happens. I am still hopeful and think that it’s not fair to Mom to give up on her, just yet. Please keep praying. Keep sending positive messages our way. AND please keep visiting Mom. She’s is really good most of the time. It’s just so daunting for me personally when her thoughts come back to the disturbing things that she feels comfortable sharing with me. Mostly she doesn’t tell everyone else.
My heart aches that she is so unsettled, so frightened and worried. My goal for her now is simply that she be allowed to live in a state of contentment, a state of the peaceful knowledge that God is with her and that she is loved. That is my heart-felt wish, prayer and goal for my dear mother and the days that she will have left to be with us.
Love to you all…