I’ve been doing a lot of studying about Mom’s condition and I really think that she’s pretty classic OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’ve been reading and will share more with you, when I get home from Mexico. But, the best hope that we have is for Mom to be able to realize that her fears may not have foundation. When she has the incorrect thoughts of NOT having a room or any of those repetitive misconceptions in her brain, it is necessary for her to act past the thought….meaning that it doesn’t matter how sure she is about something, if she ACTS as if the reality is what WE tell her it is, HER screwy thoughts about it will dwindle with time. The horrible feeling about the truth, as she sees it in her OWN brain will still be just as horrible, to begin with. But, in time, the more times that she is kept from falling into her own mind’s trap, her sickening fright will calm and will be replaced with the reality of her safety. Dr. Swartz, in “The Brain That Changes Itself”, says that it’s important NOT to spend time focused on the sanity or unreasonable nature of a particular thought or fear. The more time spent thinking about the fear, the more set the fear becomes in the brain. This is true, even if her mind is trying hard to discourage the thought. The key is the action and NOT the thought process.
The reason that we’ve seen her fall further into her own hellacious reality when we’ve left her for too many hours at a time on her own…like at Sunrise Creek… was that her own brain was left to figure everything out on its own. Doing this unchecked by people who could see what was real just left her seeing more of the same thing that she had concluded previously. She doesn’t have to believe that we are right, only act on it with our guidance…going through and proving to herself that in fact, she DOES have a room…we DO have a car…they WILL feed her….and the more that she does this, the more her own brain will turn loose of the lies that lay deep in her now fearful reality. The studies show that even if she can’t ALWAYS do it, any amount of time spent trying to work passed these incorrect thoughts…….”I don’t have a room….I don’t have a ride…..YOU don’t have a car to drive me, anyway…..They won’t let us do THAT…I haven’t paid for my dinner…”will help to ultimately change those thoughts all together!
In looking back over the past couple of months and even Mom’s OCD onset is obvious, many people have the onset of OCD when they are faced with some terrible crisis or fear that their brain then turns into an insurmountable situation….In my reading, I’ve also uncovered the commonness of hallucinations and OCD with insomnia….insomnia often following strokes. Everyone who has been helping me knows how worried I was about her lack of restful sleep. Just days before the worst of this surfaced, we documented her getting up 30 times in a 7 hour period while she was trying to sleep at night!
She was so terribly afraid to be without me and go to Cross Roads. I wanted to believe that she would rise to the need of independence….but, she just wasn’t ready. It’s hard not to feel guilty about putting her in an emotional and physical place that wasn’t safe for her……..But, I can’t go back now, only forward. Wishing I’d done things differently only makes me exhausted and depressed and I’m already tired and not feeling well. I really think that with prayer, time and guidance, she’ll get much of herself back.
Mom doesn’t have nearly the terrible thought that are described in the book I just finished. Many people are stuck in the bathroom or can’t leave their homes or believe that if they eat that someone they love will die…the list of descriptions goes on and on. “The Brain that Changes Itself”, the book I’ve been reading today, encourages the use of medication during the retraining period and says that it’s really used as a sort of training wheel to help her to let go of the horror of it all. Once the brain begins functioning correctly, again, the medication isn’t needed any longer.
Wouldn’t that be great?!! But, it doesn’t happen over night and so we have to be vigilant and NOT give up on her. She has so much to offer the world, to those around her. If we can bring her back to being a productive person, again…even if it’s just at Heidi’s, I just know that it will make God smile.
There is ALWAYS a purpose to be found and I pray that we’ll be able to guide Mother into the purpose of this chapter in her life.