Well, I’m recuperating from my leg vein surgery, fine. I was feeling pretty rough the first couple of days. I had some sort of reaction to something that they gave me. It made me swell up like a puffy-faced balloon and wheeze like a squeaky dog toy. I was already feeling depressed and I’m afraid that the addition of pain and seeing myself in the mirror this way didn’t help much. Good thing that sex was absolutely the LAST thing on MY mind. I don’t think that I was very attractive, even apart from the swollen, painful and bleeding legs! I got homesick and came home from early my hiding place in Grand Junction. I am back home and lost without Mother here. It feels odd to everyone and my heart is breaking for Mom, tonight. My sore and aching legs are the least of my concerns. I have a lot to pray and think about.
Mom’s doctor started her on Serequel Thursday night. The theory is that she is having a psychotic episode that was probably brought on by the fear of going to Cross Roads to begin with. I’m trying hard not to feel responsible in some way for the condition that she is in…She IS sleeping better at night now and there is some hope that the devilish delusions that she is so frightened by will clear up with the use of this drug. But, it can take many weeks to see the results. I pray that it helps. As it is, she won’t be able to come back to the house because she thinks that Satan’s presence is all around the house and she doesn’t want to get out of the car. She still says that she is dwelling with devils, even at Cross Roads. But, she doesn’t seem to be acting on the fears like she was when she was at home the last few days that she was here.
The saddest event of her Cross Roads experience happened today. Cross Roads is not what they call a secure facility. That means that if any of the residents there want to walk out the door and take a walk or go visit someone, it’s just fine with the staff. They are there to foster as much independence for the residents as possible. Well, that’s ok for those who are thinking clearly. But, for Mom, not being in a secure environment was not a safe choice, today.
We’ve been having Annette spend time with Mom at Cross Roads for several hours during the daytime and Lillian for several hours at night. Mom has seemed pretty settled in, though the crazy thoughts continued. But, today…they don’t know when she left the building. About 2:30, the Precups came for a visit and no one could find Mom. It was pouring down rain with lots of lightning and thunder. About an hour later a call came from the hospital. They were calling Cross Roads to see if they had misplaced a resident. Mom had fallen in the middle of the street in the pouring down rain and was taken to the hospital. She didn’t know who she was or where she was. They called Cross Roads thinking that possibly she belonged there. I went by to visit and found all of this out, this evening. She was sitting at the dinner table, still with damp and uncombed hair and when she told me that she’d been walking for hours in the rain today, I thought that surely she didn’t know what she was saying. At least I HOPED that this was one of those times that she didn’t know what she was saying.
But, it was true and I’m pretty sure that they won’t let us keep her there anymore. They said that it would have to be reported to the state and that they would be calling tomorrow to talk to me about it. So, I’ll be shopping, tomorrow, for a new place for her to lay her head. It’s so sad because there are so many people there at Cross Roads, the residents, who know and care about Mom. THEY were watching over her as much as the staff was, I’m afraid. I just hate for her to have to begin settling in at a new and strange place.
My heart is breaking…thinking of Mom, all alone in the rain, wondering…trying to escape the demons in her mind…and not knowing her name or where she belonged. It’s just such a sad thing to come to and I pray so that we will come out on the other side with something positive. I’ve turned it over to God and am asking for guidance for me to make the best possible decisions for Mom and for our family. I’ll cry myself to sleep, tonight, and let Jesus surround me with his loving embrace. Only He can get me through all of this. Only HE can get Mom through all of it, too. I just wished that her mind was clear enough to be able to call on and lean on the faith that she has had for so much of her life…