Mom’s summary is at the bottom in Blue, if you want to by-pass my ramblings….. :o)
Well, the past 5 weeks has been a blurrrrrrrr……. In those first moments, I guess there were choices to make. But, honestly, these kinds of decisions are ones that people must think out and consider long before the event occurs. The decision of what kind of people you are….whether you surrender to it all……what kind of stuff you’re made of……..how hard you fight for things…….are you a family who cares for each other and hangs in there……..or are you the type of family who gives in to society’s way of taking care of messy or difficult situations………….ARE YOU A LAZY LOVER???????……….THOSE are all decisions that must be made beFORE life hits you in the face with the hard questions. Those come so quickly that all you really have is your gut reaction, your intuition……your reflex, really.
God’s help and the fact that we considered the reality of aging long ago, was the reason that this reflex was easily ellicited. In some ways the past 5 weeks was easy…………easy because there really wasn’t a choice of how to react……..easy because you have absolutely NOTHING to loose by throwing yourself into the hopeful, prayerful….even desperate way of living in the moment……..In a short moment, you decide……….FIGHT or flight……for ME, the choice was easy…………but now………….NOW….
The work REALLY begins……..Now that you’re exhausted, emotionally and physically………NOW, that you have done SO well and it isn’t quite enough……NOW, that you have everyday life to consider—-with children and work and someday your own needs———You’re NOT fighting for your life, anymore. It’s relatively easy to decide whether to fight for your life or not, you know. Who WOULDN’T make THAT choice? But, NOW…….reality…………and what IS the reality of it all??? Do you even KNOW??……Can we even project?!…….If we had fallen into the trap of believing what was initially expected of Mom, we wouldn’t be sitting here together while she struggles to put together a simple 24 piece large piece jigsaw puzzle, while I’m writing to YOU! So, when exactly DO you settle on what you may think IS the reality of it all?…….Do we ever even know the answer to THAT question in what we think is our REAL and NORMAL lives………That’s a subject for ANOTHER blog, I think. :o)
I’m saddened to admit that Mom is beginning to feel the frustration and a touch of depression in this new phase of her life. She was probably more positive when she didn’t believe that she had had a stroke and just wanted to barrel through everything. Now, she’s coming to grips with the difficult truth of it all……that she may NOT get everything back exactly as it was,…..was before………that whatEVER she does get back is going to take hard…..HARD work…..EVERY day work…….every MOMENT work. It will be the hardest challenge that she’s every faced in her life. It was bound to come and I was amazed that she hadn’t shown signs of it until now. I think that originally she was in that “fight for your life” knee-jerk phase of this rehabilitation……..and she is SUCH a good fighter that there wasn’t room for sadness or frustration in her heart, I’m sure. Mom has always been her best when she’s fighting for or against something. NOW, the key is for us to realize that we STILL have a long way to go and a lot to fight for. She is such an independent spirit and it’s hard for all of us to see her so dependent.
The good news is that we are all resting better at night and Mom is still improving. We had a little set-back this morning, and her fingers on that left hand aren’t working as well as they were last week. But, we know that they CAN because they did before. So, we just need to focus on them more. Our nurse, Deanne has been a blessing and is so sincere and pleasant. We couldn’t have Mom at home if she didn’t have someone here that I could trust to help us care for her. Deanne is here 30 to 40 hours a week right now, which seems like a lot until you do the math and consider that we have to keep an eye on Mom 24 hours a day. Mom’s doing pool therapy most every day and has very little down time for her brain. If she’s tired, she rests. But, mostly she’s putting together puzzles, playing card games, learning to dress herself, playing the piano or any number of other activities that we’ve laid out to help her development. None of these things are easy for Mom to do, at this point. Lillian and Nancy have been helping about 7 hour seach night for nearly a week, now, and I’m hoping that Mom will be able to sleep alone in a couple of weeks. She still gets tangled in her covers and panics some when she tries to get up. And she gets up a LOT, so we have to get this figured out. I put together an invention using clamps and a bar that keeps all of her blankets together and prevents them from tucking under her. I think that’s going to work with a little practice of getting in and out of the bed. Last night was the first time that she used it and she had trouble understanding how to get back INTO the bed. But getting out was OK.
Thank you for your continued prayers. I can’t explain how much we appreciate them and your friendship. Life is so precious and the people in it are the only thing that really matters, you know. We’re still working hard……….as I said before, “Whatever good came from having LOW hopes??!!” I just have to keep that in sight when I begin to tire or become impatient with it all.