I’m not shy to say that I’m scared. They can talk about how easy an ablation is and how high the success rate is and how rare the complications come up. But, the fact is, they are going to be messing around inside of my heart and it’s only easy for the doctors, NOT the people who have to go through it….at least not emotionally. I wish I had complete confidence in the doctors who have been sent to take care of me. In the headache and fog that I’m living with which is the after thought of each tachycardia episode, I’m not being my most strong and positive self and wish I had opted to have it done today instead of waiting until next week. *sigh* I’m sure after a few days of resigning myself to the reality of ablation and I’ll be back to seeing things clearly and in a positive light. But, at THIS moment, I’m just feeling alone and scared, I guess.
Craig and Stefi will be coming back from Iowa for the procedure, but barely. The train will arrive Monday evening and I’ll have to leave for the hospital at 6:00 Tuesday morning. I’ll be seeing patients Monday most probably to take care of those who can’t be seen later in the week. I’ll be totally exhausted, the way that it’s been effecting me. I so wanted some time to snuggle with my Stefi before Tuesday. I feel so foolish, having thoughts that aren’t completely positive…like the fact that I came into this world with no one but my mother really paying attention because it was during wheat harvest and I may go out during corn and bean harvest. I know I’m not going to die….or maybe I DON’T know that completely. You know the drill, all of those complications that the doctor has to cover with you so you know that if it DOESN’T work out, they may have to call another surgeon in and you could have a pace maker, or bleeding around your heart, or damage to your heart if they puncture it, or….geesch! I just have to hold onto the faith that these things won’t happen to me! I have so much to do, yet!
Boy, you are getting to know me at such an unusual time in my life. NO one would expect me to express and let negativity creep into my healthy thoughts like this. I’m sure it’s partially because I just don’t feel well and it’s scary facing something like this when your mind is strong and well oxygenated, much less when you’re dizzy-headed and tired all of the time. I’d love to be held all night while being told that everything will be fine, just like a little child clinging to someone they believe in.
And then there’s that little voice in the back of my mind that’s fearful of the pulmonary hypertension diagnosis and praying that IT’s not causing the dizziness and exhaustion and shortness of breath. The cardiologist, yesterday, didn’t think the Tachycardia could be causing all of the shortness of breath I’m experiencing. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I want to hear that the tachycardia is responsible for all the symptoms and I want to hear that all I have to do is stop taking some supplement that I’m taking and it will all go away! I finally got my lab results back today and there were levels TEN TIMES normal for testosterone and a little high for DHEA. I had hoped that this was ENOUGH high to account for the 70 pages of monitor readings over the past 25 days that each showed my heart rate over 160 beats per minute. There were even some readings as high as 220! But, neither the hormone doctor nor the cardiologist think that it would account for all of this. *sigh* Just in case, though, I’ve stopped taking the bio-identical hormones in hopes that it will prove to me that, in fact, this ablation is necessary. I should be convinced in a couple of days. Because in the meantime, my heart is still leaping out of my chest on a regular basis and I find myself planning my day around naps.
Thank you for being a sounding board. Once I woke up this morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep and I was just overwhelmed with dread and emotion. I’ve got a packed morning of patients and I have to get myself and my attitude in order. I’ll do fine after I get around. In the meantime, I’ll be reminded to take time to pray today and to allow myself to cry if I can find the privacy. Tomorrow will be brighter and I’ll be reminded of all the reasons to thank God that this isn’t any worse and that this is basically a low risk, high success miracle that I’m about to go through.
Thank you for caring, as always.
Mary
I certainly hope the results of the ablation have been good. I knew your mother when I worked in Emporia for Farm Credit Services & became good friends. We had some great lunches together, over which I learned about her beautiful children and we moaned over our farmer/rancher husbands.
While on quilt retreat this long weekend, I sent myself an email to hunt up Dena when I got home to Owasso, OK. And I happened upon your blog. I have her phone # and address, and I will be in touch with her, hopefully today.
Dena spoke many times about her encouraging her children to pursue each his/her own dream. I believe God has you where He wants you. Thanks for caring for my dear friend, Dena.
Sue Pittman, formerly of Madison, KS
Hello Sue, I know that Mom remembers you and cherishes your time together. Things have been so terribly difficult for her this past 3 or 4 years and currently she is up and down. She probably won’t be able to answer her phone. I do talk to her every evening when I have them dial the phone for her so we can pray together on the phone. Some days she is better than others and I think it mostly hinges on whether they can get her to eat and drink and whether she is fighting some sort of infection. If you send a card to MY address, 885 1650 Road, Delta, CO 81416 I can be sure she gets to read it personally. She will be so happy to hear from you. :o)
As for the ablation, I’m afraid it hasn’t been a complete success and I’m looking at the current options. It’s so hard to know if your doctors are making the best decisions for you possible. Just like when Mom had her stroke and they gave her and us no hope for her recovery at all. She’s such a fighter and has done a good job for the most part. God Bless you for finding the blog. It reminds me that I should put some current information about her on it. It’s just been very discouraging watching her decline as I have been dealing with my own health issues. Hugs and more…Mary