Hi, I couldn’t leave you with the disturbing thoughts of the past couple of days without some follow up. These new changes are very hard to consider and face. But, as always God’s grace will see us through. And I’m learning from people who know about these things that there is a possibility…even a probability that the unreasonable way that Mom is thinking, right now, may turn around with time and loving kindness. I guess we’ll not know until time passes and with God’s strength we’ll face what comes…
Mom had a better day, today. She still thinks that Craig and Stefi are in charge of everything and wants to ask them for permission for EVERYTHING from going to the bathroom to whether she should eat and more….The girls are learning an entirely new lesson in patience and loving care. There’s no use in arguing with Grandma’s thinking. I’m sure that they are angry and sad and feeling as out of control as I am. I felt angry, at first, feeling cheated in some way after all of the hard work that we’ve put in. But, as we said to begin with, each moment stands on its own and we’ve had such wonderful moments…one at a time, since Mom’s stroke in May. Now, I have a sad resignation to whatever comes. I AM concerned about safety for everyone in our household and for this reason am glad that Mom mentioned that she’d like to go to Cross Roads early. It’s hard to imagine Mom doing something that would put us or her in danger. But, she isn’t herself and I don’t really know this new person that I’m talking to. If they’ll take Mom at Cross Roads tomorrow, we’ll get her in and hopefully, she’ll be comfortable there. Niki said it best this morning, in a conversation that we were having about what had happened to Grandma’s thinking over this week. I was explaining to them that Grandma just wasn’t herself. Niki said that it was like Grandma died……….and she was replaced with some weird thinking person.
Well, that’s pretty much right, I guess, aside from moments when she just seems like Mom… She can smile and hug me and tell me that she loves me. But, mostly she’s just uneasy and you don’t know why. So, this sinking feeling in my chest…the impression that everything is in slow motion…this physical urgency to curl up in a ball…….It’s all part of grieving for the loss of my mother. I went through this a little 12 years ago when she lost some of her short term memory and reasoning abilities after a bad reaction to Zoloft. She was never completely the same after that. But, I learned to love the new Mom and now I’m missing her….I think that I’ll learn to love the NEW Mom, as well.
The day was blessed with my opportunity to sing for the Methodist Church in Delta. I wasn’t sure that I could make it through the songs without crying. I was allowed to share 2 songs.
The first was “Wonderful Peace”, a beautiful old hymn that my grandfather used to sing to me when I was a child. I urged everyone to sing their favorite songs of praise in the presence of the children who spent time around them. That they probably don’t realize the subtle effect, the ultimate result of planting a seed of faith that this little effort can manage. I know that every time I hear this song, I can’t help but think of Grandpa and his wonderful example of faith.
The second song that I shared made me cry when I announced it. It was “Thank God for Small Things”…the title cut of my latest CD. I wrote it with warm memories of moments of Mom and my daughter wrapped in a quilt from my Grandmother’s hand. My testimony was about the past 4 months and what we’ve gone through and how precious each and every one of those moments were. Thank God for small things in my life is my life’s motto, now, I suppose.
Thank you for your continued prayers. I’m feeling less lost tonight and that God is good and will truly get us all through this.
Thank you for reading, as always. I love you.