A very long day…Mom decided that she’d like to go to Cross Roads Assisted Living, earlier than her planned visit on Thursday when I have to have some surgery on the veins in my legs. But, of course, because it’s a holiday weekend and we didn’t make arrangements earlier, we will have to get by until Monday or Tuesday… So, these days are the longest of my life, I think. She is fixated on the devil and his hold over us and convinced that she has gone insane. With this in her mind, she sees no reason to do anything or to try to understand anything in a reasonable way. I had spent the night before alone with Mom. The girls and Craig were off with friends or staying in Grand Junction to paint the condo.
After I saw some patients at the office, we spent the day in Grand Junction, where Stefi and Craig were painting a rental condo that we have. We used the warm, wonderful inside swimming pool at Horizon Towers to do Mom’s pool therapy. Otherwise, she simply tolerated the other activities that she was present for. She was a pretty good sport, considering her state of mind. We ate out and went to a movie that probably was a little scary for her. But, she had a definite grimace on her face and she was obviously lost much of the time.
On the way home, everyone’s heart in the car stopped as Grandma unhooked her seat belt and reached for the handle to let herself out of the car. We were driving about 65 miles per hour. I pulled over quickly and tried to talk it over with Mom. The entire thing frightened Niki and her friend who had originally planned to spend the night. Theresa decided, very diplomatically, that it was late and maybe she really should go home, instead of sleeping at our house, tonight. Can’t say as I blamed her for THAT decision. In fact, it was probably very rational. Mom said that she thought that she had been tied down and that she wouldn’t be allowed to get out until sometime the next day. As the conversations continued, she was certain that Craig was the devil and I thought that Niki’s concern for his safety was possibly founded, too. I tried to get Mom’s confirmation that God’s love would protect us…
What a sad phase for us to be going through. I was prepared for Mom to die. I was prepared for her to NOT be able to care for herself. I had what I thought were very workable and loving plans for either outcome, with her hopefully being able to stay home and part of our family. It was so good for everyone that she remain part of our lives. For the past 4 months she has been grateful, loving and present for the most part. There were periods of time that she might not have all the pieces put together. But, she always trusted in our judgment and was thankful that she was cared for and that she could be at home. Now, my credibility in her eyes is failing because I’m not smart enough to see that my husband and youngest daughter are using me as a pawn…that he has taken over the world and that night-time is only a time to fight off the devil’s influences. If you sleep at night, then he (the devil) has a greater possibility of having a hold on you.
So, the entire day, yesterday, she would only do what Stefi told her to do. If I asked Mom to do something, she would make me get permission from someone else. It’s like she’s involved me as a victim of what she’s going through, taking away my power to help her through it. She told Lillian, who stayed with her through the night, last night, that the devil wouldn’t let her and me be together, and there was nothing she could do about it. We’ve all tried to call out to her faith and belief that God’s love and the grace that she is saved by is stronger than anything that the devil could dole out. But, that doesn’t seem to be very effective, yet.
I am singing at the Methodist Church Sunday morning and I pray that I’ll be able to get through the songs without crying. Pray for me and for Mom and for our entire family that we can move through this stage of recovery with grace, patience and love…