Hi, I’ve been so silent that I can hardly believe that you’re still checking in to see what I have to say. I’d like to say that life has been so full, so filled with joy and success, that I haven’t had the time to let you know how things are going. The fact is that Mom has been struggling and I just wasn’t sure what to say… At first, she was still reading the blog and I didn’t want her to read anything that might be lacking faith or positive thoughts. Well, she doesn’t open her computer anymore, so I feel that my frank words cannot hurt her now. She’s had drastic dips in blood pressure that resulted in depression and some loss of independence and even reasonable understanding. I had a wonderful doctor who evaluated her this morning and he gave me a great deal of hope. Before his visit, I was feeling lost, alone and searching for what God wanted us to gain from all of this……this pain…this up-hill climb…this search. It briefly reminded me of Jesus’ struggle, making his way to the cross, knowing what the end of his journey, that day, would bring.
Of course OUR suffering is nothing compared to His and I thank God each and every day… for His love, His grace and His strength to guide us through these thorns. It’s been difficult to watch Mom, as she tries to accept what’s happened to her. She has been such an independent woman, full of energy for life, having more answers than questions. She’s always embraced the ups and downs of what she says is expected of life. And even in the face of previous depression, with each changing phase of life, each corner to be rounded, she has seen each new chapter a greater success than the one before. She has always been a woman in control. I’ve spoken with her many times, now, for many cumulative hours about what she has control over, now. The only thing that ANY of us REALLY have control over is how we deal with the things that we DON’T have control over. I’ve tried to encourage her. But, I ultimately know that SHE is the only one who can fight her depression and for her sanity. SHE is the only one who can make this chapter of her life an ultimate success. She has focused a good deal on death and dying lately…having a tug-o-war with the devil…writing notes to all of us in the nights to say good-bye…throwing away precious possesions and food items because she has no use for them anymore… Well, she seems to be responding to an idea, a philosophy that we’ve held to for years. I’m so happy that I remembered it and can share it with her, now.
I keep reminding her that today MAY be our last day together. So, what kind of day do you want to have as your last day?! Maybe it’ll be MY last day, not MOM’s. So, what kind of “last day” do you want ME to have with you. What can we all do to be sure that the last day we spend together is the “best day ever”, as Stefi would say.
I was so concerned about some of the crazy sounding things that Mom has been saying. Things like: that I didn’t exist, so I couldn’t help her…things like: that my husband, Craig, had taken over the world and I was blind if I couldn’t see it…things like; that a hearse had picked her up from speech therapy and so she wasn’t welcome there, again… These things ARE reality for Mom, even though they sound crazy to us. Well, the good news is that I’m learning that this type of thinking, these types of thoughts about reality are all very common for what’s happened to her and that depression can make this even worse. Just because we are seeing this in Mom’s way of thinking, today, doesn’t mean that it has to continue. Whew! What a wonderful thing to learn from Dr. Dawson, who came to visit, this morning! He gave me ways to deal with this…..ways to respond to her outrageous remarks, to make it less likely to become worse. Now, the trick is…..to pull it off.
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The previous was written earlier in the day. Now, I’m writing after Mom and I had dinner and it’s evening…
Well, this thing of going along with Mom’s thoughts is not as easy as it sounds, I’m afraid. Just before we got to the restaurant, Mom began begging me to turn around and go home. She insisted that she was going to be in big trouble. .. that she had been declared insane by my husband, Craig, and he had given strict instructions for her never to leave the house. If he found out, we would BOTH be in trouble… Goodness, what do you say to THAT?! So, I talked her through it and finally convinced her that I could take full responsibility for the trip and that I was strong enough to stand up to him, if he had a problem with it…
OK, so we pull into the parking lot and Mom gets very anxious and begs me, again, to turn around and go home. I ask her why and she says that because she is insane, she doesn’t want to embarrass me. I ask her what she might do that would be so embarrassing and she says that she might crap in the middle of the floor… So, I ask her (this has worked before when she’s had similar concerns) if she’s EVER done something like that…and she answers, YES! It was just yesterday!! Hmmmmm Well, guess THAT question back-fired. So, I finally tell her that if she craps in the middle of the floor, I’ll just deal with it…She didn’t say much to that for a while…You MEAN if I crap on the floor, you won’t be embarrassed? No, I love you, Mom, and if you crap in the middle of the floor, I’ll just clean it up and deal with it. There is no one you know in the restaurant and who cares what they think, anyway…So we sit there for a bit in the car and she finally agrees to go in.
We had a lovely meal, drawing pictures on the paper table cloths, toasting to mothers and daughters with Mom’s hot water and my Pinot Grigio wine, and sharing a wonderful meal of cream of mushroom soup, fresh mozzarella cheese and tomatoes with basil, olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and Chicken Marsala. MMMMmmm There was only the brief uneasy moment when she begged me, again, to leave before the main course came. I sighed….and I asked her if she wasn’t having any fun, at all??? She answered with a resigned chuckle. I asked her to please have patience because I wasn’t finished having a wonderful evening…my girl’s out evening with my mom that I would never forget……….
At home, later, after a conversation about how to get into bed and how much we loved each other, I sang her to sleep and then went to bed, myself…..