I just tucked Mom into bed. Such a sweet sweet loving moment in our lives. The girls sat at her feet and we thanked God for all of bounties that he has given us. We truly believe that there isn’t a happier family……a family with more love……more laughter…….more kindness shared…..What peaceful comfort to everyone. I took her blood pressure just before she got into bed. It was bobbing between 106/62 and 94/50. The low pressure explains the exhausted look in Momma’s eyes…….the resolve behind her every breath…….For the past week, I’ve been very concerned about the low pressure. I called multiple times on Monday to discuss it with her nurse practitioner, only to be patronized by bringing her in to have some blood drawn on Tuesday. Each of the three messages that I left explained the 85/42 pressure that Mom was struggling with on Saturday, though each time that they called, they NEVER knew what I had called about. I told the nurses, directly about the low pressure and there wasn’t a sense of urgency on their part. But, I know what a blood pressure of 85/42 means and how serious it can be. I know that Mom is slipping and that I can’t expect her to fight for her sanity and her independence if she has no blood flow to her brain tissue!
I spoke with a good friend of mine, yesterday, that is a neurosurgeon and told him my fears. He said that I was completely right and that I needed to change doctors and that there are medications that can be used to raise blood pressure. I called the doctors that he suggested and was only told that they don’t take new patients. I’m feeling lost and in need of prayer for guidance. Mom has worked so hard. She’s put up such a brave fight and has risen far above the status quo where the local medical profession would have placed her. It’s been the most challenging and rewarding 3 months of my life and I have lived and loved in a more gentle way than I’ve known before. I’m sorry that more of my family hasn’t been able to experience this wonderful gift that we’ve been given. But, I fear that we’re losing ground………
Every morning we wake up to notes that MOM has gotten up in the night and written to us. I’m sure I’ll find ones, tomorrow…..and it makes me cry a little to consider it. They are all very loving and grateful…………and all are saying, “Good-bye”………that she’ll look forward to seeing us in heaven………….How exactly do you explain that to her grandchildren who want so desperately for her to recover completely?……….How do you talk to her about it? How long can it go on, before she either realizes that she isn’t going to die or she actually does……………..We’ve talked some. I’m happy that she is at peace with the reality that it’s going to happen SOME time. But, I think that it’s probably counter-productive to the efforts that she’s making towards getting better. She reminds me every night how much she and God love me and for me not to be afraid of her leaving me. She has moments that are so clear-minded and present that I can’t imagine that He’ll take her, now. But, then her pressure drops……there’s little blood flow to help her think……….and I see the tired surrender in her eyes and I know that she COULD be gone in the morning…………….
As you can imagine, I don’t sleep as well as I should. I am exhausted, too. I pray that God will give me the perseverance and spirit to do what I need to with Mom. The girls are learning such a lovely lesson of love and family. I hope that I never need them in this way. But, I think that they will be loving and caring if I do. Maybe it’s because they are adopted and know that if someone hadn’t cared for them, they wouldn’t be alive……maybe it’s the home schooling…….maybe they each just have incredible little spirits……..but they have been exceptional people during all of this. Niki went with Grandma to Jeanne’s house (Jeanne is 87 and legally blind) on Monday and sat there with those old ladies and learned to play Penochle all afternoon……..and she had a great time doing it! Stefi tagged along and drew pictures for everyone all afternoon…………..They didn’t complain. They didn’t call and want to come home……………and they enjoyed reliving the afternoon by telling everyone about the fun they had a Jeanne’s home with Grandma! I think that’s pretty unusually special and I’m so proud of them.
Well, I’m getting long winded, probably because I haven’t written in a while. I love you, and thank you, so for caring enough to read about Mom and our little struggle. Good night, MMMmmmm