I received an unexpected message from my website the other day. I get messages every week or two. Some are spam and some are from people reaching out and trying to make sense of it all. Not many people comment on the blog entry itself. Most just send me a personal message one way or another. They don’t expect to have an on-going chat. I suppose that in the long run, it’s connection to others who are going through something that we understand. Sometimes it’s a person needing my encouragement. Many times it’s someone wanting me to know that I’m not alone on those days when I feel like such a freak and that I’m the only one who thinks the way I do and holds the same things in reverence as I do…THAT’s another blog for another time.
The wonderful message was from someone I knew when I was 16. I wrote one of my first songs for him after a night of 16 year old necking and all the emotions that come along with that kind of an evening. The song is on my first recording that Randy Wills from Topeka recorded for me in his basement in 1975. I was 17 when I recorded it and when I listen to it from this point in my life, I have to admit that I’m surprised by it. It was recorded live, just my guitar and myself, one take on each song. I recorded the entire thing with giggling moments with Randy between in less than 8 hours. I think it may be one of my best productions and was something that, if heard by the right people, could have been a pivotal point in my musical career and in the direction of my life. The following is part of the note that I sent back to him after his note to me letting me know that I hadn’t been forgotten and that he still has my record from 1975. Thank you for remembering me and my music.
Things that happened to me during that maturing part of my life are so vivid. At THIS point in my life I look back with awe, but also such a difference reference. Some of it I don’t know how I survived. Some, I don’t know why I was stupid enough to let slip through my hands, opportunities in love and my musical career. I remember opting to play in Wisconsin during the winter instead of Vegas because they paid $200 more a week. NO ONE wanted to tour Wisconsin in the winter! But, of course, no one with any professional power would hear me in Wisconsin. I tended to be drawn to men that weren’t good for me. And the nice ones, I was a little bored with and wasn’t attached to for the long run. It took me a long time to learn about that unhealthy attraction. But, I was so blessed that I was never really discovered, musically. I look at the people who “made it big” and most didn’t have the integrity, the social skills and control over their own lives to grow into happy well-rounded people. The whole idea of “making it big” and “success” is different to me these days. I also have a totally different idea of what love means at this point in my life. I expected a passionate love like those in the movies as the end all to love in my life. I adopted the girls as a single mother because it seemed I would be alone if I didn’t take that into my own hands. By the time I have grandchildren, I’ll be O L D. :o) But, it’s been the greatest thing I’ve ever done. Craig is a good man, an Iowa farm boy, very educated, brilliant, really. But, he’s “in love training(my girls say) and isn’t really very warm a fuzzy. If given time to think about it, he always makes the right reaction. But, you don’t want to have to count on his first reaction to anything. He didn’t support or even “enjoy” my music until about 3-4 years ago. I would write him a song and he’d have a hard time even taking the time to listen to it and then be totally unimpressed by it. And as too many times in my life, my motivation was for the ones that I loved and if they didn’t appreciate it, it wasn’t worth doing. It was always my way of expressing my love. And if you tell someone you love them and don’t get the response you’re hoping for, I guess it’s natural to stop expressing yourself. It wasn’t until I was able express myself regardless of anyone else’ love for the music or me, that I began to shine again.
NOW, I’m hearing the Nashville agents from more than 30 years ago telling me that I was too old to invest money into. **chuckle** I suppose THAT was a dodged bullet, when looking back. My life is truly blessed, the love I have for my patients and my daughters, my family…I can’t imagine a more fulfilling life. I find time to express myself through my art and music. I still search for the reason for my music and it makes me ache trying to find the purpose in it all.. Who IS meant to be hearing me? I can’t put everything aside to push for booking audiences these days. With the girls, my schedule has changed and late nights, which most musicians need to keep, don’t fit into a well balanced life. So, I play where ever people will listen and mostly I play for my daughters, my dogs and for the birds. :o) But, that gives me time to write. By the time that Craig and the girls get back from Iowa and Kansas, next week, I’ll have finished 10 new pieces for a simple guitar book. And that’s exciting. Maybe if I write, someone will come across it years from now and my music will live on, past that audience interaction that I love so much.
Thank you for the thoughtful nudge this morning and I hope your life continues to be filled with your own expression of love and laughter.