I have dealt with Mom’s stroke like most challenges in my life………like a bump in the road….as something to overcome with God’s help. I’ve mentioned very little about doubt or fear or exhaustion. For reality sake and for the sake of anyone reading this who might be going through something similar…….I am NOT the Superwoman that I am flaunted to be. I AM exhausted………….exhausted and concerned about the outcome of our endeavors. Being so tired, I’m not as patient in every moment as I would aspire to be. I still hold to the belief…….or maybe even the FACT that no good comes from having low hopes. I am still VERY hopeful……..but doubt creeps in, I’m afraid……..
The reality is that what is meant to be is still actually to be seen. Mom must improve for our family to be able to sustain what we are doing. She needs someone with her almost every minute. There’s only so much of me to spread around……I am living in a very needy household, between the kids and the dogs…….I love to be needed, so I wouldn’t have it any other way…….But, I need help….
We can only afford so much help. Medicare would pay for us to have Mom in a more expensive nursing home. But, they pay nothing towards the nurses and people that I’m interviewing for night watching……..
It’s almost like our society is geared towards people NOT recovering and families NOT staying together as parents age. I have always said that I firmly believe that we are to spend most of our adult lives taking care of our families……….The only time in our lives that we were meant NOT to care for others is when we are small children. For some reason, the last couple of generations have gotten this odd notion that they didn’t want to be a burden on the their children and so very few people taught their children to care for others. This value that was passed down fostered a lot of selfish people out there! There is a cycle of caring that I believe was meant to be once we’ve gained the maturity to think past our OWN needs…………..
First, we learn to care for our spouse……hopefully, becoming mature enough see another person’s needs and be AWARE of needs outside of ourselves. This is a good place to get our feet wet because we’re caring for someone who is an adult, and if we don’t do such a great job, at least they won’t DIE because of it! Once we’ve learned that caring for someone else is a reward and NOT a burden, God blesses us with the of caring for our children…..teaching and guiding their little steps…… changing diapers……kissing knees…….and HOPEFULLY teaching THEM to care for others……..The child …….. We care for our friends and neighbors…………….and THEN the circle is completed when our OWN parents get older and we are placed in a position to decide what’s best for THEM………..for your FAMILY……..for YOU………..
- After a Rough Night
The point of this entry is to confirm that I am struggling. I’m not some Polly-Anna who doesn’t face facts. I need strength and guidance. I still desperately need your prayers. I am so tired. Last night at 12:30, Mom woke up and thought that it was time to get out of bed. At 2:00, she made her coffee (which I needed to turn off to insure that she wouldn’t burn herself when I wasn’t looking)……at 3:30, I finally buckled and moved a chair near the light of the closet so she could read a little……….She had done pretty well the last couple of nights, as long as we would talk about how important it was to sleep and to leave as much time as possible between potty breaks. The worst night was 9 trips to the bathroom. but, the past couple of nights, she had shaved it to 3 trips and I felt that I wasn’t so terribly sleep deprived with that schedule………But, last night was the worst………..Maybe it was that I didn’t have her do pool therapy yesterday……and we didn’t walk the flight of stairs to the FROG to watch a movie………for whatever reason, it was one of the longest nights of my life……….and by the end of it, I was wondering what I need to do to keep Mom safe and at home…..
At 4:40, I finally realized, after several hours of trying to make her comfortable………after discussing the time on the clock…..after watching her sit on the side of the bed for hours……….I realized that the problem with her NOT being able to tell time or have a good concept of it, was causing her to think that in any moment it was going to be time to get up……….at 2:30 she thought we’d be getting up in 30 minutes………..at 3:40, she thought we’d get up in 20 minutes…….and at 4:40 she thought the same…………..She seemed to understand how many minutes it was before the hour. But, she assumed that THAT hour would be 7:00……………
I finally convinced her to lie down and pray with me and that if she didn’t sleep she wouldn’t live and be alert enough to relearn things…….She confided in me that her skin felt like pins and needles and that when she lay down, she would feel a terrible urge to scream! I asked her if she thought that it would help to scream…….that she hadn’t cried about the stroke……..and that we could scream tomorrow, if she thought it might help. She said that she didn’t think that actually screaming would help and we agreed that it would scare Niki if she screamed…….but, she just shook her head and said that it was a terrible feeling……….and that when she gets out of bed, the pins and needles on her skin goes away and so does the feeling to scream……….
Oh, dear God, how do I help her?…….How do I keep my family functioning and happy through this difficult time? I so want to keep her home and have her be able to be a part of a loving household and not just KEPT peacefully functioning in a nursing home. If you’re reading this, please pray for me as we work our way through the next few weeks. Pray that Mom regains her senses enough to be safe and feel loved when we aren’t sitting next to her. Here is my prayer……..
Dear Lord, thank you, so for the gifts you’ve given us……the loving hours that we’ve shared as a family over the past 4 weeks…..the support that my husband has shown me during this difficult time……the loving spirits that have arisen from my daughters………Now, please guide us…..show us what to do… Give me the patience that I need to pull this off, Sweet Jesus…….Lay your healing hand upon Mom, upon her body and her heart……Place a peaceful acceptance of what has happened and what IS to come in all of our hearts and show us how to structure our lives, now…….Let my children and husband know that they are loved and let them feel a reward in their soul for all of the work that they are doing with Grandma……….Dear God, sustain us as a family and show us what to do. Amen…….
Thank you for caring for her………