Something that I learned years ago as a coping skill was to journal in the form of a kind of discussion prayer, where I explain my feelings and then talk back to myself as a true friend. In my head and heart I hear the voice of God in my responsive part of the writing. It’s amazing how much better I feel after writing. It’s 2:00am and I can’t sleep for trying to catch a breath. My hesrt is leaping out of my chest. After two and a half hours of tossing, sitting up to gasp for air, and even listening to a radiolab, I decided to get up and transfer an entry I made in my journal this week trying to work through the sadness I feel about this diagnosis. Maybe it will help you cope as well.
I find myself crying easily these days. I have a deep aching sadness that’s hard to convey. I can’t really share that with anyone. It’s not my normal self at all and it’s not someone I want to become. Yes, I know all the stages you go through when dealing with a loss and this isn’t any different. But, maybe I don’t have to take forever working through the awkward stages. Let’s journal and get rid of it.
Ok, so what about knowing that I have Pulmonary Hypertension makes me so sad? I guess mostly I’m sad at the thought of missing out, sad to think that my daughters or husband may need me and I won’t be ther…either because I’m actually gone or focused on survival. I may not be there to answer questions, to encourage, to remind them to pray. I have so many more songs to write, to SING, so many more things to teach my children…and yes, even to teach my husband! :0)
In thinking sbout this, I suppose the answer to THIS particular sadness is preparation. I’ll get two journals, one for each daughter and I’ll begin writing in them regularly. If I write my little recipes for life I can make a difference even when I’m not standing there. It may sound silly, but I think it will even make me feel less sad to write down my recipes that they love me to make for them so much and I think they should be in my own handwriting.
I’ve already started playing the game with Stefi about hearing me in her head so that I’m always there with her when she needs me. I’ll do that a little more. ” What Would Momma Say” is the game. I remind them how well they know me and ask how I would answer the question. If they get good at this, then if for any reason I’m not around they’ll have me in their hearts and heads helping them through, cheering them on, wishing them well and of course always telling them how much I and God love them.
I may be sad for things undone. But, not sad about thing unsaid. If i had things that i needed to share I would say them right away. Having such a hard time breathing tonight I contemplated sending an email to Craig. But, there really wasn’t anything to say, new. I’m not one to have left things unsaid, at least positive things. And negative things don’t need to be said.
But the songs I haven’t written, the people I haven’t touched in a healing way…those are hard to get around grieving for—I’m not gone. **sigh** with a little head shake, here…So, I’ll simply keep writing and seeing patients and singing as long as I possibly can! I’ll waste as little time as possible. But, I’ll respect how I feel and accept some limitations, which will be hard for me. Limitations aren’t something I’m used to accepting.
No matter whose life you look to, if they lived a purpose-filled lif, they could have done more if they had lived longer. What if Jesus had lived longer? Or Mozart, or Fernando or my dear friend James Smith..or my father? None of us live forever. Because of my Positive perspective, though, and my silly early fear in life that I would die young, I’ve already lived, loved, and contributed more than many people do in a lifetime. And by the time I’m out of here, I’ll probably pack another lifetime of loving, living and expressing myself! I will be me for as long as I can!
At least for this moment I’m not so sad anymore. Thank you, God. And focusing on this blog has calmed my breathing, too! I know it will creep back, but I have a weapon to defend myself with. Through this journal, I can see ways of working through my emotions and coming out on the other side, being able to breathe better with a smile.
Dear God, please give me strength and purity of heart. Let my mind and heart rest peacefully. Calm my weeping soul and keep me positive in my every step forward. Thank you for the blessings in my life and help me to focus on them. You ARE good and good to ME, Lord. Amen
It’s a little after 3:00. I’m going back to bed and I think I’ll be able to sleep, now. Write your own journal and work through YOUR sorrow, if you need to. It really does work! Good night and God Bless. You are in my prayers…