I have since had to accept that Mom can’t live with us anymore. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to decide. I visit with her on the phone every evening and we pray together. She always wants to come home and I wish I had the help and energy to do that for her. It’s been 3 years since her stroke and I just can’t handle it and my family and my job. Mostly she understands. I love her so much and every night we pray that God will show her something to do the next day so that she can see the purpose of why she’s there. I weep as I read the words I wrote in September and so fight the feeling of being a failure at honoring her. But, I honestly know that God knows I have done the best I can and I will continue to see her every week and talk to her every night. Some days she remembers. Some days she doesn’t. But, thankfully, she always remembers me. Love you Momma.
Mom has come home to live for the past several weeks except for the nights that I haven’t been home. She is actually doing very well and I need prays so that I can successfully find the answers to caring for her and myself at the same time.
It’s stressful and very tricky not to feel a prisoner to this thing that God has insisted I do. Taking care of her is the right thing. “Honor thy father and mother” and this overwhelming urgency in my chest has lead me and given me the bravery to try this for Mother. She and I have visited about the need to be sure that it isn’t an awesome burden to my family and my other passions. I accept that I may never have the financial success that I enjoyed earlier. It may take me longer to produce my music or finish a sculpture. But, my daughters are young and my love and care of them can’t wait and if I can pull this off gracefully my hope is that my daughters will see caring for me in later life as something they may be able to face.
I’ve procrastinated making this move because I know that I can’t have mom home absolutely every day. I’ve been told by several doctors and people who run nursing homes and assisted living facilities that it just won’t work to move someone back and forth between home and Heidi’s. They say that they can’t bond with the resident If they aren’t there all of the time. I’ve given them two years to bond with Mom. She doesn’t feel loved there. She still has sores on her face left from lack of applying the face cream and keeping food out the creases of her mouth. It took me noticing the odor and realizing the increase of her urinary incontinence before anyone told me about the hallucinations and insomnia that had plagued her for weeks before anyone treated her for the severe yeast infections, both skin and vaginal that were causing these changes I her behavior. They have bonded all they ever will. Bonding assume loving and THAT will be for the next blog. Mom and I have agreed that we will show them that she can stay with me most of the time and stay at Heidi’s when I’m gone. So far it’s been fine. She sleeps well at home and better than she was at Heidi’s. Pray this continues.
Thanks, as always, for caring and reading about our journey. We feel the love.
We know somewhere deep down, that we are just …that we are just mortal beings. We have limitations to our powers to effect the world around us. We think sometimes that if we try hard enough, we can fix everything. It is good that we think this way. It is what gives us the potential to accomplish great and wonderful things. But we must know too that we are not omnipotent. There are and will always be things which are not in our power to fix, to change or even sometimes to effect in any appreciable way. These things we know were not meant for us to effect, only for us to see, that we might better understand. For everything we cannot change, there must be something that we can change. It is so hard to know which is which sometimes. Perhaps that is why lessons are constantly placed before us. Reading your posts I can’t help but feel the pain that dealing with these things must bring. And being reminded to look for things that I can effect, even in such a small way as offering our thoughts and prayers in hope that they might make the good a little better, and the bad not quite as bad.
Hi Steve, What a thoughtful and lovely comment. You are so right about this painful journey we’ve been on. And it’s good we don’t know our limitations. Mom always said, “Aim for the top of the mountain and you will be sure to make it half way to the top…higher than the rest!” My parents gave me that wonderful gift of feeling empowered and capable of just about anything. So, facing this part of life for Mom has been such a lesson in letting go and accepting what seem to be failures, personally. Your comment makes more of an impact than you might think. Thank you so much for taking the time and making the effort to express yourself. It does make “bad not quite as bad.” ~soft smile~