Craig worked all night on Christmas Eve and so was just getting off at 8:00 before guests arrived at 9:00.  He was napping when Santa came to the door with a tap-tap-tap…Stefi was excited and happy to give Santa a hug and thank him for the presents that he had left earlier.  She was sorry that, once again, Daddy would miss out on seeing Santa and noticed that Santa sounded a lot like Dad, but she didn’t care.  The game was magical and she wasn’t about to spoil it for anyone.  Usually, Santa comes to visit our “Orphan’s Christmas Brunch”  after his trek around the world, just to get his after-delivery chiropractic adjustment and to say, “hello” to all of our guests.  But, THIS year, there were reasons that he couldn’t come later in the day…

Grandma hadn’t made it yet and we were sad that she missed seeing Santa.  But, the day was filled with loving laughter and sappy songs about being “home for Christmas” and the wonderful gift that the birth of Christ really was to all of us…REMEMBER that word “sappy”.  I’ll be writing more on that subject in another blog.

I made caramel french toast, cherry and blueberry pancakes, two breakfast casseroles, a spiral ham, Aunt Ilene’s carmel corn, and biscuit and gravy especially for Mom.  Others brought lots of yummy things, as well…chocolate cake, chocolates, guacamole and more.  We were definitely not left hungry.  If you’re wanting recipes, click on our paste this address into your browser   http://www.drmaryonline.com/recipes.php  or ask for one specifically, if it isn’t there by posting a comment to my page.

Jeanne and John Precup, Jean McKenna, Gene Koonz, Bev and Jerry O’Donnel, Lois Vance among others joined us for an early holiday brunch.  Historically, this holiday family has gradually been comprised of people in our community that I’ve run across over the years who have no local family to celebrate with.   We eat and pray and sing, together, thanking God for the gift of friendship and His family that we all belong to.  Jeanne and John have been part of this holiday celebration for nearly 20 years, now.  Lois is our newest addition and gave us a beautiful old Chinese Madonna and Child print as a Christmas gift.

Craig went on to bed about 10:30, so he could get up and work again Christmas night.  It was a blessing that he could join us, if only for a little while.

It was wonderful that Mother could be home for Christmas and I sang the new song, “Dena” for everyone and everyone cheered.  Jeanne and John’s Christmas letter was read by Niki and Stefi played, “Up on the Housetop”, and “Silent Night” on the piano.

By early afternoon, everyone had scattered back to their own lives and we were left puttering and watching, “All About Steve”, a movie that Nikaila loved and bought for us all to watch on Christmas day.  It was a good laugh with a good message.

God Bless you and your family this Christmas and know that no matter how rough it seems, Jesus his shining his light for us to follow, if we can only muster up the energy to open our eyes…Love you and Merry Christmas!

We’ve been very happy with Mom’s care at Peak View Behavioral Health, the psychiatric Hospital for Seniors in Colorado Springs.  She is off all of the heavy drugs, no more Serequel, no Adivan/Lorazapam, no Zyprexa and no Tamazapam!  Hurray!  Dr. Scola, there, is very conservative and is giving her 200 mg of Trazadone and 600 mg of Neurotin/Gabapantin at bedtime.  She is getting up about 3 to 4 times each night, but goes right back to bed.  There’s no psychosis, no crazy thoughts or fears.  Being able to sleep has squeltched these daunting and haunting things and she’s back to being her loving and grateful self, again!  She is also taking a medication for dementia that is often given to people with head injuries, and the name of the medication escapes me, right now.  If all goes well the next 2 nights, I’ll pick her up on Wednesday, and she’ll be back for Christmas and living at Heidi’s Chateau, again, in Montrose!!!  That’s the best Christmas present, ever!

Here’s a short video of our part of our visit this weekend.  God bless and Merry Christmas!  Love ya, Mary

Mom’s been at Peak View Behavioral Health Hospital, now for 7 nights.  She sounds more clear-minded on the phone and they tell me that she’s sleeping a little better on the new medication they are giving her.  She is more like herself, being grateful and kind, when I talk to her.  She has given me permission not to come over today…But, I had dreams and pangs of need to see her and see for myself that she’s OK.  Her doctor didn’t call yesterday with my requested first visit about her condition and his prognosis.  I had planned to base my decision of going or not, on my conversation with him.  Besides!  I just HAVE to share my new song with her!  I sang it for her on the phone, yesterday morning and she laughed and said that it sounded pretty historically correct!  It’s called —-”Dena”!  Listen and enjoy!

Just to catch you up.  All of Mom’s crazy thoughts are gone.  No more devils or unfounded fears!!  Hooray!!!  She has good happy days…But, her nights are a terror and this is an understatement, I’m afraid…  She sleeps about an hour, even with a heavy sleeping pill.  The rest of the time, she is anxious, disoriented and even a little aggressive(being kind, here).  It was obvious that this problem was going to accelerate and after Dr. Mozer, from Denver urgently insisted, the decision was made to take her to a hospital in Colorado Springs that specializes in Geriatric Psyciatric problems.  The psychiatrists that have seen Mom all agree that these problems have been caused by the stroke and the insomnia and depression that followed.  I just pray that this new place is better than Haven Behavioral and that they can help her.  She has worked so hard to get this far.  I hope that it’s God’s will to give her another chance.

So far, this place is much MUCH better than Haven Behavioral Senior Care, in Thornton.  Peak View took nearly 3 hours, on Wednesday checking her out and then checking her into their hospital.  Haven Behavioral Senior Care really discouraged me from being part of the check in process and then acted as though I didn’t deserve information about Mom’s condition, though I have her power of attorney.  Peakview spent a great deal of time being sure that I understood my and Mom’s rights, which included ALL of the information that I was trying to get from Haven Behavioral Senior Care.  There was even a part of the check in process listing the places to send a complaint, if we needed to, which I may end up doing concerning our experience at Haven Behavioral Senior Care.  The building at Peakview  is very beautiful with a commons living room that has a huge “peak view” window and the people seem very nice.  They have been easy to get information about Mom from and say that the treating doctor will be very open to talking.  Every day I have called and they have treated me with love and respect and have known exactly what medications Mom is on and how it effected her in the night before.  Dr. Scola, who is a board certified geriatric psychiatrist, is Mom’s doctor usually comes to the hospital during the visiting hour in the evening, which shows me that he’s not afraid to see a family member.   I have a good feeling about them and their care, with a little guarded bruising from before, I suppose.  Pray that they can help her get some sleep, which will give her a better chance of having some quality of life and of making sense out of it, as well.  Thank you for your love and support.

Hugs from all of us, M

THREE nights at Peak View, so far

Update—–I talked to Mom, last evening and she sounds pretty good.  I think that Peakview Behavioral Hospital is a good place for her, right now.  She’s so hoping that she’ll be home for Christmas.  Still not sleeping and they gave her enough meds last night to make an elephant sleep!  Keep praying!

719-444-8484

Mom has been doing pretty well the past couple of weeks.  We’ve had some really good days with her.  I have Annette staying with her 4 days a week, and I’ve spent a lot of day time with her.  Then she has someone staying the nights.  I’ve been hoping and praying that she’ll start doing better and continue to improve…..but,

I’m trying to decide what is best…..again.  The sleeping medication that they are giving Mom doesn’t seem to be working anymore.  I have spent more than 4 hours on the phone today, trying to deal with this problem.  She is absolutely fine during the day, engaging in positive conversation, remembering most things correctly, entertaining the other residents, joking and laughing and talking philosophy…She came to my play last night and had a lovely time.  But at night it turns into a nightmare…literally.

Last night, similar to the two nights prior, she slept about 1 1/2 hours out of the 10 hours that I had someone watching over her.  She fell out of bed, pulled the curtains down, screamed because she couldn’t take off her clean underwear and became aggressive towards the staff…At 10:00 she demanded that they help her get ready for the next day and for breakfast…This isn’t who she normally is.

This is someone created by insomnia, depression, and effects of her stroke!  They, at Heidi’s, are willing to try and work with her medications along with a doctor to prescribe.  Heidi’s and Frank, the owner, are wonderful and very caring.  But, so far, I have no doctor who will help with attention needed here with daily reports and prescriptions.  Dr. Dawson, her psychologist, thinks that she is doing so well that a maybe a hospital isn’t the place for her and may make things worse.  But, her defers to Dr. Mozer, the specialist from Denver.  Dr. Trautner, her local Psychiatrist, is gone until mid January.  Dr. Mozer, her psychiatrist in Denver, thinks that she belongs back in a hospital setting where they can carefully monitor her and make changes to her medications at will…

There are really only two hospitals that I have to choose from in Colorado.  There is Aurora North, the hospital that said that I could expect the same care and communication there as she received at Haven Behavioral and wouldn’t take her a couple of weeks ago.  They just bluntly said that if Haven Behavioral thought she was ready to be discharged that they had nothing to offer, though Mother was still worried that she might hurt someone and was having horrifying nightmares in the night that had to be calmed by me.  When I told them that I didn’t want a repeat of our experiences at Haven Behavioral, they called back and said that the experience we had there, with them not communicating with me until they had decided to discharge, with them loosing Mom’s tri-focal glasses, her shoes with orthotics, and letting her leave with someone else’s shoes and hearing aids in her ears…They said that we could expect the same level of care and communication from them!  So, do I want her THERE?
There is a place that I’ve uncovered in Colorado Springs called Peak View Hospital, that has a geriatric psych ward.  Of course, Peak View thinks that they, themselves are the best and most wonderful choice.  But, when I spoke with Haven Behavioral and Aurora North, they each gave me the same sales pitch to begin with over the phone.  Haven Behavioral assured me that if we needed them to change the one hour visitation schedule that they wouldn’t have a problem with it.  Then when I needed them to move the Sunday afternoon hour by merely one hour so that Craig to get home before starting his radiology shift, they refused to do it.  Everyone is sweet to you until they don’t have to be…

And then, tonight, Annette told me that she thought that the young man staying with Mom, last night, had probably punched her in the chest trying to control her in the night.  There was a big bruise on her chest and Annette had seen it after Mom had said that he had hit her in the chest.  Frank and I think that she probably hurt herself falling half way out of bed, last night, but we haven’t seen the bruising.  Annette is pretty solid in her opinion that Mom couldn’t have bruised herself in THIS place and looking THIS way, doing that.  I want to believe that she COULD have done it falling out of bed.  UGH…

I’m having a very hard time making this decision.  I DO think that the insomnia is the primary problem and know from my research that the insomnia, alone, can cause the psychosis, let alone the stroke and the depression, which can ALSO cause it all on their OWN!  So, getting to the bottom of the sleep problem is the answer, for sure.  Will they watch her more closely at THIS hospital?  They tried to tell me that Mother was sleeping well at Haven Behavioral…..and then in the next breath, they said that she was still screaming in the night!  Well, which is it?  Is she sleeping or screaming?  It probably isn’t both…  After my multiple calls wanting specifics, they began her on THIS sleeping pill the night before they sent her HOME!  I absolutely know that she wasn’t sleeping well while she was there!  There’s no way that she could have been.

So, pray that I can make a good decision tomorrow.  Peak View Hospital is expecting us on Wednesday, and we’re doubling Mom’s sleeping medication for the next couple of nights to keep her resting and manageable.  That should do the trick.

The down side is that this particular medication makes it impossible for her to function on her own without falling, through the night and on into the next day until after noon.  So, she has a tough time making it through the morning.  I’ll speak with Dr. Mozer tomorrow, and if he won’t work with us with Mom still here, at Heidi’s, then I have no choice.  Given the conversations that I have had, I imagine I’ll go towards Colorado Springs to Peak View Hospital, though Denver is closer and more convenient.

Thank you for caring and reading.  I truly believe that our story will ultimately turn out to be a positive and triumphant one!  Don’t look faith.  It can turn around at any moment and all we have to do is hang in there and believe!

And I DO.  I believe that she still has something wonderful to add to the world and to do for God and that this is the reason that we’re still struggling with all of this.

G’night, Mary

Mom’s been out of the Hospital for a week, now…What a week!  She was discharged from Haven Behavioral last Saturday.  They had lost her tri-fold glasses and her shoes with orthotic insoles in them(which they had taken away from her the first day because they had shoe strings in them).  Thankfully, I noticed that the hearing aids that she was wearing, as we were leaving, weren’t her own and they were able to track down the correct ones before we left.  She wore someone else’s shoes out the door and we returned them after I got her some new ones.  They started Mom on a sleeping pill the night before I picked her up and they didn’t think to tell me that she fell that morning before I got there or that she would then be at a great risk for falling.  I found out pretty quickly that she couldn’t function without the help of a walker and definitely, under these medications, she wasn’t able to take care of herself in any regard.

Having said all of this, I feel that for the most part, good decisions were made for Mother’s sake while she was at Haven Behavioral Senior Care in Thornton, Colorado.  They could definitely improve on the communications with family and other doctors and in counseling at discharge.  It was very difficult to make assessments about her care while she was there due to the lack of professional information and the one hour per day visitation policy.  But, she survived it, aside from the injuries from the fall to her left leg and foot…and this hospital was  a place where she could safely get off of the medication that she was on that may have been contributing to the anxious screaming she was haunted with and be placed on some others that will hopefully turn out to be the best choice for her for now and possibly in the long run.  She thinks that her stay at Haven Behavioral Senior Care was a pleasant one and I personally witnessed a caring nursing and aid staff.  Thank you to Amy, Kristine, Krystal, John, Brenda and all the rest who lovingly cared for Mom when I couldn’t personally be there to do it.  They made this experience more livable and obviously had a desire to serve.

from the video game Beyond Good and Evil

When leaving the hospital, we weren’t sure what or where we should go.  It was obvious that Mom wasn’t ready to come home.  She was still frightened to come back to the place that her brain had so creatively developed demons.  Lucy and Billy Peeples, friends of Jeanne and John Precup, who live in Thornton, Colorado opened their home and hearts to us over the past week.  They were loving and gracious and made us feel at home when we were concerned about over-staying our welcome.  The days that we stayed there proved to be so important.  It gave me a chance to assess where Mom was in regards to sleeping habits and her abilities to walk on her own and to talk through her fears about the water and devil.  Dr. Gene Dawson, one of Mom’s doctors in Montrose, had suggested that we have a consult with Dr. Erwin Mozer, M.D., while in the Denver area.  He wasn’t able to see us until Thursday evening, so we had to stay in the Denver area, just to be there for his appointment.  At first I was so disappointed that he could see us any earlier.  But, as the days went by, it became evident that this was a healing time for Mom and a good time to see how she was doing on the medications that she left the hospital with.

It was such a blessing to be in Lucy and Billy’s home.  They are un-judging Christians with firm faith.  This was something that Mom really needed.  With the loving care of the nurses at Haven Behavioral, they were not allowed to pray with the patients and I was never able to find a firm source, while she was there, for someone to pray on a regular basis with her.  Prayer was and is such a major part of Mom’s recovery and it must have confused her to and she surely felt the absence of this force being used to help her heal.  Lucy and Billy took us to church where he was honored as a veteran.  He spent many years in the Navy serving our country and the church wanted to be sure that he, and others, knew that we are all grateful for their spirit and time spent.  They prayed with Mom many times, each day, not in a long drawn out prayer time, but in a way that is just normal for prayer in an every-day life.  They shared their faith and positive guiding attitudes with us.  Lucy gave Mom a lovely rosary that she will always cherish.  She used that rosary to help herself turn the frightening thoughts, that she had in the night, over to God.  Their home was just what we needed and what cherished friends they have become.  They are truly remarkable people…the Peeples.

We’ve discontinued two of the five medications that she was released with on the recommendation of Dr. Erwin Mozer of Denver.  Dr. Mozer specializes is geriatric psychiatry.  Meeting with him was well worth the wait and was a breath of fresh air following the complete and frustrating feeling of being out of control and having Mom someplace that seemed to have little accountability.  We were very impressed by Dr. Mozer and he was open to sharing answers to all sorts of questions that we might have about how the medications work and from Mom’s history what the root of the onset most probably was.  He thinks that the odd thoughts that she began having were probably directly related to the stroke and that we’ll have to take some time to completely get rid of them.  I have to say that she did better in many ways on the test that he orally gave to her than I did sitting next to her trying to answer the questions in my mind.    He asked her to name the presidents from current back.  He gave her three things to remember, then asked her a bunch of other questions and then came back to the three things.  He made her subtract by 7s starting at some number just over 100…and some other things that I can’t remember…**chuckle** I’d say that she answered about 70% of everything he asked, correctly.

We’ve made our way home and the only time that Mom has screamed since I picked her up over a week ago, was during one bad dream in the middle of the night.  I found that I could get her away from the dream and get her to stop screaming as long as I could get her awake enough to pray the Our Father or a Hail Mary.  The next morning she didn’t even remember that it happened and was very sad to think that she might have screamed, again.  But, it hasn’t happened since.  Tonight, Lillian is staying with her and I am enjoying the laughter of my children as they play and we make Over Night French Toast.   If you’re interested in the recipe, click here.  I have a few of my most favorite recipes at this site so I can access them where ever I might be

We’ve set the table for breakfast and with Craig working for the night, I plan to go upstairs, take a hot bath and let Stefi soak her feet in the water.  We’ll snuggle and say our prayers and it will be the perfect end to a perfect day.

Thank you, all, for your prayers.  Without them, I can’t imagine where we would be.  You are all our angels, but I truly believe that God put Billy and Lucy in the middle of our adventure as very special angels, angels that helped us through what could have been an impossible time.  Mom came back from a trip to the front range saying, “That was such a lovely trip, wasn’t it?” ……..g’night.

If you are reading this and considering an admission to a Psych Hospital some place, be sure that you do your homework and check for happy customers~

I can’t sleep for the anticipation of what’s to come.  I’ve asked God to take it over and guide me.  And MOSTLY the week has gone well with me doing this.  But, because I’ll be picking Mom up tomorrow,  choke**choke** I’m more restless and hoping that I actually can HEAR what He wants me to do.  What if I’m not paying attention when He decides to show everything clearly to me!!  )  Anyway, I’m plagued with excited anticipation, fear, relief, that paralyzed feeling that comes with having to make too many decisions in too little time and then beginning to cringe when yet another is thrust upon me.

I haven’t been able to visit with Mom more than a couple of hours over the past 10 days.  When I talk to her, she still talks about insanity and how her brain is frozen and is just certain that the devil will not let us see each other anymore.  She mentioned slashing her wrists when I was there on Sunday.  I don’t know about her screaming and the frequency, only that it has continued to one degree or another.  She has been put on 2 anti-psychotic drugs, and two others to deal with the side effects of the first two and she sounds very druggie on the phone.  If you read the post about my visit with her on Sunday, you know that this was a problem on Sunday.

So, I don’t know exactly what I’ll find when I pick her up, tomorrow.  I know that the effects of the Serequel have worn off and so she is less restless and aggetated.   I spoke with a professor from the University of Colorado who is a Psychiatrist who specializes in geriatric psychiatry.  He was frank and wanted me to ask Mother’s treating doctor at Haven Behavioral Senior Care, where she has been for the past 10 days, to sit down with me and consider his recommendations.  He stated that they should not have put Mother on two anti psychotics without talking with me and making me understand the ramifications and giving me the alternatives to doing this.  I was aware of the danger of using these drugs, but knew of NO alternatives and was never told that the use of more than one of them at the same time increases Mom’s risk of sudden death.

This Doctor’s recommendations were to gradually take her off of the anti-psychotics and to begin treating her depression that was the precursor the psychosis.  He couldn’t imagine that I wouldn’t be able to have a heart-to-heart visit with Mother’s treating doctor and was very disturbed when finding out that I couldn’t get a confirmation about the meds that I was originally told that she was on.  Even MOM’s treating doctor at Have Behavioral Senior Care, Dr. Rogers, told me that she was sure that Mom wasn’t on Cogentin because she thought it would NOT be something used for someone in her age group and with any amount of dementia.  I called, once again, and last night found out that, in fact, she IS on the Cogentin as well as Lexepra, Adavan, and Neurontin.

Now, my prayer is to find a facility and doctors that will be more user friendly.  Mom will be discharged to me tomorrow morning and I’ll take her to some friend’s home in Thornton who has offered their home to us for several days to see how she is.  I had originally thought that I would just have her there and if she was better enough to bring home after a couple of nights, I’d bring her back to Heidi’s Chateau in Montrose.  However, now that I have been newly educated about the medications, I suppose that I should try harder to find a facility for her that will watch her as she comes off these drugs.  I have calls into a couple of Senior Psychiatrists in the Denver area that I hope will consult with us over the weekend or on Monday to help give me a clearer picture of where to go.

Thank you for your prayers.  I may be able to check my e-mails, but you can also call, if you want.  MY number is 970-275-3226 and you can send me messages here on the blog or e-mail me at drmary@drmary.net

I wish that I could say that we are completely impressed with the place we’ve had to leave Mother.  The good news is that I believe that she is safe and the immediate need to act, the feeling of emergency has somewhat passed.  It it is yet to be seen if Haven Behavioral Senior Care can help her or not.  I’ve had a terrible time getting timely or consistent communication from them.  To get a treatment plan, a nurse copied one for me, stating that she might get into trouble, but she believed that I deserved the information.  After nearly a week and a 5 page fax to the administrator documenting the efforts that we’ve made trying to obtain information on her care, I finally spoke with Dr. Rogers, her treating doctor, today.  The message  she left on my voice mail was that Mother was much better and she thought she’d be sending her home in a few days…..????  After No communication at all, this was the first message that I received?  I think I may be the one to begin screaming, now!

Understand that I went over to visit Mom, this weekend.  The visiting schedule is an hour each day from 6:30 to 7:30 and on Sundays you get TWO hours! from 2:30 t 3:30 and then again in the evening.  I saw Mom on Saturday evening and frankly I was happy with what I saw.  I set my frustrations with trying to get information from them aside and simply enjoyed our time, together.  I could finally breathe!

I took my guitar and she sluggishly sang with me, “The Old Rugged Cross”, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, and John Denver’s “Annie’s Song”, all her favorites.   She talked of miracles from God and what she might be able to do with her life to make a difference for others.  THIS sounded like my dear mother, the fighter, the positive survivor.  The nurses were kind, knowing that I had driven 5 hours to see her and sat in the lobby for 2 hours before my hour visit with her.  I was not interfering with their duties and they allowed me to stay an extra hour.  I helped get her ready for bed and tenderly tucked her into bed.

But, before getting into bed, she rummaged around in her clothing bins and pulled out a fluffy robe.  As she shuffled to her bed,  I thought for a moment that she dropped the robe.  But, instead, she had purposely let it fall to the floor.  Mother struggled to her knees, next to the bed and began to pray.  I knelt at the other side and held her hands.  They were softly clinched like a child saying her prayers.  With heads bowed, I prayed like never before.  I prayed to the tips of my toes and felt it through every fiber of my being.  She wanted to say an entire rosary but  couldn’t remember all of the mysteries.  But, we prayed and I wept tears of joy, inside of my chest.  It was beautiful and something well worth the 5 hour drive, the two hour wait and the hotel room to follow.  At Mother’s lead, we prayed for purpose,  a reason to live, for some sense of a miracle that God could give.  She needed to feel worthy of God’s miracle, some reason that he might have mercy and save her from her terrible thoughts and the “insanity” that she believes has taken her over.

I saw her again on Sunday.  She had screamed twice in the night and three times in the hour just before I arrived.  She was extremely drugged, frothy drool formed at the corners of her half opened mouth and she could barely keep her eyes open.  She didn’t close her mouth, even when speaking.  The corners of her mouth were very rough and sore and I got her some Vaseline to moisturize it.  She was so happy to see me, but slept most of my hour away, as she sat in the chair.   She still has unfounded fears and was very sad when I was asked to leave…They had opened the doors 15 minutes late for all of our visits and then were me to leave at 3:30.  She stayed willingly, but my heart broke as I walked down the hall.

An aching heart issue—-I spoke to a nurse about finding someone to pray with Mom.  I was told that prayer or any mention of God is a big taboo at the hospital.  They can get into lots of trouble for sharing their faith with someone.  Mother is such a faithful and praying person and she is like a child, needing guidance and confirmation that she has lead a good and Godly life, that God accepts her the way she is and has forgiven her for her humanity.  Tomorrow, I’ll get on the phone to surrounding churches and see if I can find someone to do a visitation ministry for her.  It kills me to know that I can’t be there to pray with her every night…Oh God, it feels a little like when I was waiting for each of the girls, knowing that they were someplace in China with no one to hold them and make them feel safe and loved.  That’s the familiar hole-in-my-chest feeling that I’m experiencing, now, I think.  The treatment plan that the nurse copied for me clearly states that they wanted Mom to be free from screaming for a 5 day period before they would send her home.  It hasn’t been 24 hours and Mother’s treating doctor is saying that she may be discharged mid-week?  I tried to talk with her about it and hit a wall.  She doesn’t know Mom very well and has the impression that she has late-stage diminsia, which sometimes manifests itself in screaming.  Not knowing how bright she was just 1O to 12 weeks, ago, she thinks that she’s doing pretty well…I have more decisions to make…

I am weary of the fight.  But, here  I am, once again and I will ask for God’s Armour and strength.  It’s yet another fight for reasonable attention and care for the mother that I love so much.  God DOES perform miracles, every day.  Even Mom, with her difficulties right now can tell you that.  I’m banking on, yet another one or the strength to deal with what’s to come.   And come to think of miracles, the prayer that my dear mother and I shared across her bed at the hospital was a good example of one of God’s little, or not SO little miracles.  Thank you, God for that moment in time.  I shall remember it, always.

Well, that’s where Mom is, now…
I keep thinking that things are going to calm down, up here.  But, I guess I haven’t learned all that God wants me to learn from all of this.  I keep saying that I’m a fast study and it’s OK to get this over with.

Over the past few weeks, Mom’s ability to enjoy activities and to keep herself focused on the reality at hand instead of the frightening thoughts that she has about the devil and drowning and walking in the water and all the rest…was becoming more of a problem.  We were making cookies and preparing for a Halloween bash at Mom’s Heidi’s Chateau, where Mom has been living, Last Saturday, when Mom began screaming…shrieking curl your toes kind of screaming.  She said that she couldn’t control it and that it felt terrible.  That first day the only way I could get her to stop was to scream, myself….to scream so much that I made myself hoarse.  I screamed  to the top of my lungs every time that she did, until she decided she could stop.   We would talk about it between screams and I had hoped that it was just a one time release for her.  But, it wasn’t.

The girls were so frightened by it that I’ve tried to keep them away from her since.  Her crazy thoughts accelerated and by Tuesday I finally found a mental hospital in Thornton(that’s by Denver and is 5 hours from here) to admit her to.  Finding a place like this has been really hard to do.  I can’t believe that we have so little offered to older people who are loosing a grip and need some attention and guidance.  I don’t know what would have happened to her, if she didn’t have a family.  She couldn’t stay at the assisted living facility in the present condition.  I couldn’t even take her to a hotel!  Her local Psychiatrist could only see her every few weeks and it was obvious that she needed step by step monitoring of the drugs that we were using.   I was really at a loss of where to turn next.

Anyway, it’s been pretty dramatic around here, at least under the skin.  I’ve done my best to keep things up and happy for the girls.  But, it has just been pretty awful for me.  They have acted like nothing much has happened and I hope that they feel that way.

Craig agreed to help me take Mom over to Denver and it turned out to be such a blessing.  Just as we approached Denver and all of the rush-hour traffic, Mom’s medication wore off and she began screaming and trying to get out of the van in traffic.  The child proof locks, we found out, only worked in the BACK seat and we had HER in the FRONT!  I had to restrain her from over the back of the seat, with her trying to bite me and scratch me and smash my hands against the door frame.  I bruised up her arms, keeping her safe.  I still feel like I’ve been beaten up.  That was a rough position to stay in for over an hour, while Craig tried to find his way in traffic and around construction to the hospital.  So, we left her there and haven’t really been able to hear any answers since leaving her on Tuesday.  I do hope that they will talk to me more, tomorrow.  They have eluded to the fact that screaming is kind of common for them to deal with and that the Serequel (the medication she was taking) may have contributed to this acute anxiousness.  That’s good news unless they can’t find something else to help with her terrible fears and lack of reasoning.  So, we keep praying.

At least I know that I won’t get a call in the night asking me to come pick her up.  At least I know that I won’t hear her haunting screams while I’m trying to sleep, unless I’m dreaming.  At least I know that she is at the place that…if anyone can help, they can…They are in the business of helping people like this, who can’t help themselves.   I pray that Mother will be someone they can help.

She’d love to get a card from you.  She can receive mail and if you’d like to send her a card, mail it to:

Dena Kleinsorge, c/o Haven Behavioral Senior Care, 8451 Pearl Street, Thornton, CO 80229

Though we know that God is watching over her, she feels that she’s pretty alone in all of this.  Along with her dilutions, she has lost much of her faith in God and His protection and this is the saddest thing that I’ve watch happen.  She is still so confused, thinking that Satan has powers that her faith cannot compete with.   She knows everyone, remembers everything.  But she has such fears and anxious thoughts about each and every moment.  It’s so hard to see my own mother struggling like this.  I love her so much.  Some may think that it doesn’t matter if I spend time with her.  Even through all of this craziness, she would find my business card with my picture on it in the car and would put the picture to her face and kiss it and place it very caringly in her pocket for later.  Then I would see her take it out every now and then and kiss it again.  I know that she still feels and understands love and I have to show her my love when I can.  I hope to speak to the doctors tomorrow and get a feel for what they think.  I do think that it’s very possible that the medications are contributing to the acute actions that she’s taking…with the screaming and such.  But, we’ll just have to pray and stand by and watch.  She loves you all and is very appreciative of your prayers and cards, as am I.

I’ll probably go over this weekend to be sure that she is well cared for with my own eyes.  I think she’s in good hands, however.

Love to you, as usual,  ‘night,  Mary

Hi everyone!  Thank you for keeping up with us.  In fact if YOU are keeping up with us, you may be doing better than WE are!  Again, I’ve procrastinated in writing, hoping for good news to report…this ISN’T good news, I’m afraid.

I must preface this and give a little recap and possible explaination….Dr. Trautner, Mother’s psychiatrist, thinks that possibly what we’re going through with Mom is being caused by the medication that she is taking.  To remind you of what’s happened… it’s highly likely that the OCD and bi-polar symptoms that Mom was suffering from was caused by the on-going acute insomnia that was CAUSED by the stroke.   She began having unfounded fears and even some hallucinations.  Her doctors began her on Serequel, which seemed to calm these disturbing thoughts.  She still remembers everyone and is very functional, being able to play games and put together puzzles.  We struggled as to where she should live to have the most positive chance of regaining her “self”.  She landed at a lovely Assisted Living place in Montrose, Heidi’s Chataeu, where it was necessary to install a security system for them so we’d all be comfortable knowing that she wouldn’t accidentally walk away, like she did at Cross Roads.  She has loved it there…possibly not joyful about her life, but active and settling into a comfortable setting, where she absolutely can make a difference for the people around her.  She remained confused about reality much of the time and has continued to see Dr. Trautner, a very good psychiatrist, and every week of two, it’s been necessary to increase the levels of Serequel to squeltch the disturbing thoughts.  But, NOW, we have a new problem.

Saturday afternoon, she was at our home, having a terribly hard time sitting down.  She could possibly stay in one place for about 5 to 10 seconds…
She began screaming……I mean SCREAMING…blood-curdling Halloween kind of shrieking.  I was just terrible.  We were at my home and the kids were making cookies and getting all dressed up for the party.  Mom had a friend that was visiting for a few minutes.  Mom’s friend had to shed a tear or two.  She said she couldn’t control herself.  I told her if she screamed, I’d have to scream, too.  And so, there in my kitchen, my mother and I screamed face to face with each other…to the top of our lungs.  It was just awful.  She said that she’d do it, again, and I told her that we’d all have to scream if she screamed.  Stefi was mortified and holding her ears and Niki was stunned and motionless at the stove.  They have not been able to get Grandma’s scream out of their heads and I don’t blame them.  It’s been hard for ME too.  Looking at the frightened looks on their faces and me ready to scream, again, caused her to stop and I had hoped that it was a one time event and that she just needed to blow off steam or something.  But, God isn’t ready to put an end to this, yet.  I guess we all must still be learning something….I keep saying that I’m a fast study, so we really don’t need to linger on these things….**trying to find a little humor in a horrible moment***

The past two days have been very trying.  She has been screaming every hour or two, even through the night.  Dr. Trautner prescribed something that she thought would control it, yesterday.  But, Frank, from Heidi’s called and asked us to remove her from their facility until we can assure him that she won’t be screaming anymore. This isn’t something that Mom is doing on purpose.  You can see in her eyes that this is real for her and she’s frightened, saddened, confused and angered by it….the same as we ALL are.

She’ll be here in our home until further notice…I don’t know exactly how to protect the girls from this experience.  I can’t take Mom to a Hotel, with her screaming.  I can possibly find someone who can stay with her here at the house and then WE could stay someplace else.  The girls will probably spend the night at some friend’s houses, at least tonight.  I know it sounds greedy, but, we so desperately need and appreciate your prayers, again.

I told my brother and sister this morning that I needed to call upon our Kleinsorge compulsive and persistent nature…..and then I wondered that if it’s really possible to be BOTH compulsive AND persistent.  Hmmmm

Love to you all….hugs, Mary